Unquenchable: the Quest for the Verifiably Best Shower Beer

Unquenchable: the Quest for the Verifiably Best Shower Beer

In a recent ground-breaking poll, I asked if my dear readers (reluctant Instagram followers) enjoy shower beers. I was pleasantly surprised to see that 63% of people stated yes, they do enjoy them! Inspired by a former customer who would feature beers from my shop on his Insta account dedicated to shower beers, I am here to deliver my thoughts on the best shower beers. Just in time for Summer, when I require multiple showers a day to give the illusion that I am not a sweaty disaster.

Because I am a professional, something that should be obvious from the high-quality content I am providing here, I have devised an unparalleled rating system that I will soon trademark. With one star being the lowest and three stars being the highest, I will rate each style on the following categories:

Thirst Quenchability: A word I made up, but surely the meaning is clear. Is this beer refreshing and quenching my thirst?

Drinkability: How drinkable is this style while being rained on by probably skin-altering hot water?

Shower Worthiness: Does this beer suit a shower in general?

The Daniel Craig Factor: While I also believe this should need no explanation, please see the 2006 version of Casino Royale, a film I have only seen once because my high school prom was weirdly themed around it. More specifically, see the YouTube clip CASINO ROYALE – BOND WALKS OUT OF THE SEA. This is how I want to feel while drinking this beer in my shower.

Witbier

Many people swear their love for the German Hefeweizen style in the summer heat. Because I have never been a Weizen fan, I’m starting this momentous journey with a Wit instead. A traditional Belgian style, it’s a wheat beer that’s brewed with citrus, coriander, and spices. I decided to go with a classic Hoegaarden Wit. Another easy Wit to track down would be the Allagash White, but as this is such a popular style I would guess many local breweries would have an option for you. This is typically a style that I really enjoy, but I found the full Belgian yeast mouthfeel to be a bit much for my hot shower. Saying this, I feel that something more cutting and hoppy may be a better choice for my shower beer.

Thirst Quenchability ★☆☆
Drinkability ★☆☆
Shower Worthiness ★☆☆
Daniel Craig Factor ★☆☆

American Wheat Beer

With that, I move onto a favorite style of mine, the American Wheat Ale. I have been a fan of this style since my early drinking days thanks to the Goose Island 312. It takes a corner of beer styles that I wouldn’t typically love, but delivers a hoppier and crisper beer that tends to be a crowd-pleaser. During my shower, I sipped a recent release from Irish brewery Larkins Brewing Co., Immortal Game American Wheat Beer. This brew is a bit more citrusy than I would normally drink, but I still found it to be an easy sipper during my deep conditioning. However, I again wish that it either had more edge or was more refreshing. Gumballhead from 3 Floyds Brewing Co. is an excellent American Wheat with a hoppier bite if you’re looking for a place to start.

Thirst Quenchability ★☆☆
Drinkability ★★☆
Shower Worthiness ★★☆
Daniel Craig Factor ★☆☆

Immortal Game, Larkins Brewing Co. (IE)

Gose

Breaking away from the full and wheaty tastes, I get to the category of beers I was most excited about: Sours. I started this chapter with one of my favorite styles, the German Gose. For those unfamiliar, the Gose is a top-fermented wheat beer brewed with coriander and salt. I was very quick to initially judge this style, as I don’t think the word “salty” is a friendly term to throw around when discussing taste (in beer at least, pretzels or chips, sure). However, it only took one trip to Leipzig, the German city most known for this specialty, for me to be completely sold on the style. The saltiness makes the beer so quenchable, and I found it was easy to drink even when I was absolutely full of food and beer already. It was a game-changer and please refer to me as Gose Witch from now on.

I reached for And Vat Juu? Citra DDH Gose, part of the Hop Mans Series from Lehe in Estonia. It has the saltiness of an ocean, and the extra hop profile gives it a powerful taste. Gose beers typically have a lower alcohol percentage, which is probably best for a dehydrating shower. If you can track down some of the traditional German gose beers (Ritterguts or bust), then absolutely do! If your local breweries don’t have a Gose, you may be able to find the Cigar City Gose in shops. This beer choice actually helped keep me cool in the shower, and I could have had another before I was done rinsing. I also finally cracked the shower beer code, and moved some shampoo from a hanging shelf to hold my bottle. Much like Bond, I’m crafty.

Thirst Quenchability ★★★
Drinkability ★★★
Shower Worthiness ★★★
Daniel Craig Factor ★★★

Änd Vat Juu?, UJH Man's Brewery (EE)

Berliner Weisse

Another banger of a style, the Berliner Weisse is already a top contender for best shower beer. It’s another lower alcohol specialty from Germany, which definitely suits the shower. Tart and effervescent, it is a top-fermenting and bottle-conditioned wheat beer with added Brettanomyces and lactobacillus. However, the style is no longer that easy to find in Berlin. In fact, there is one woman who is essentially reviving the style herself in Berlin, Ulrike Genz (for more on this, see Schneeeule and the Revival of the Berliner Weisse).

I’m kicking off my shower with a Berliner Weisse from Berlin brewery BRLO. Much like the Gose, a lighter and brighter beer works very well in a shower. I was living large sipping this beer while jamming to, no not music but, Chapter 18: Dumbledore’s Army from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix audiobooks. I have a vibe, and this is it.

Thirst Quenchability ★★★
Drinkability ★★★
Shower Worthiness ★★★
Daniel Craig Factor ★★★

Stout

Based on the looks I got when I carried a Chocolate Milk Stout into the bathroom, I am in uncharted territory. Milk stouts are dark ales brewed with lactose so like yeah, I admit my near-boiling shower doesn’t entirely suit a creamy stout. However, I found the chocolate flavor in this one to be something of a treat while I unwound (read: considered which reality show I would do best on). I’m enjoying a Polish beer that I have been holding onto for a while, Salamander Milk Stout Chocolate Nitro from Browar Stu Mostów. However, try and find a stout with more of a hop-presence to cut through a steamy shower. If you want a classic, find Guinness Extra Stout. It’s like a normal draught Guinness, but more carbonated and higher alcohol.

Thirst Quenchability ★☆☆
Drinkability ★☆☆
Shower Worthiness ★★☆
Daniel Craig Factor ★☆☆

Salamander Milk Stout Chocolate Nitro, Browar Stu Mostów (PL)

IPA

A quick perusal through a Reddit feed dedicated to shower beers, a page that made those next to me in the park look twice, taught me that the IPA is a go-to shower beer. Testing the theory that hops are most refreshing when boiling in a shower, I grabbed a Double Dry Hopped IPA from German brewing crew Superfreunde. Set Your Goals was hoppy, but also had some nice fruit characteristics that complemented my shower experience nicely. With a 7% ABV, I don’t think I wouldn’t want a beer any stronger than that during my showers. Depending on your tastes, a hoppier west-coast or a fruity New England IPA would treat you well while you suds up. If you want a big flavor IPA, try King Sue, a Double IPA from Toppling Goliath in Iowa. Its fruity and hoppy punch will pair nicely with your aggressive face exfoliation.

Thirst Quenchability ★★☆
Drinkability ★★☆
Shower Worthiness ★★☆
Daniel Craig Factor ★★☆

Set Your Goals, SUPERFREUNDE (DE)

Rauchbier

Because I’m a nightmare, I’m concluding this journey with a shower Rauchbier. Rauchbier, which simply means smoked beer in German, is a very divisive style. Anyone who knows me is aware that I love this style, and will not bother rethinking this stance. However, I wasn’t sure how it would be during a shower. To be honest, I enjoyed it! I feel like the steamy shower and smokey Schlenkerla Märzen work well together. Dovetail in Chicago makes an exceptional Rauchbier, and I guarantee you will find a local option if you look into breweries focusing on traditional European styles. Side Note: This is my official plea for someone to hire me as a sauna & rauchbier influencer, BECAUSE THAT IS MY NICHE. While I anticipate not everyone may like this pairing, its strong flavor did help me unwind after a busy day of doing nothing.

Thirst Quenchability ★☆☆
Drinkability ★★☆
Shower Worthiness ★★☆
Daniel Craig Factor ★★★

Conclusions

I clearly found the sour beers to be best suited for showers. However, my seemingly fool-proof rating method has given both the Gose and Berliner Weisse a tie! So again, I turn to my proven research method of Instagram polls. And dear readers, hang on to your flipping hats because it was a CLOSE ONE. While the Gose received 18 votes, a killer 19 voters came in for the Berliner Weisse! With the power of democracy on our side, the popular vote pronounced the Berliner Weisse president of shower beers with 51% of the vote. In hindsight, I do think the Gose is a better choice and I am tempted to create an electoral college type scam where I, your chosen representative, actually name the Gose the winner. After all, this is my witchy world and you’re just living in it. But I won’t, and I do accept your preference for now. With that settled, excuse me as I hop into the shower with every Berliner Weisse I can get my hands on.

-Brew Witch

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